I had a sad night last night. All the things that were weighing on me seemed to pile on top of each other until I felt like a huge anvil was weighing down my chest. And then I cried, and cried, and cried. And when I was done I felt a little better and fell asleep. About two years ago my dad was diagnosed with cancer, multiple myloma. He went through radiation and things looked good but a few months ago doctors found some new tumors. Now he is in the middle of chemotherapy and will be doing stem cell therapy next month. Everything was so unexpected. Growing up my dad was never never sick. I don't think he ever used any of his sick days from work. He was so invincible and now he has to go through all this physical pain. His outlook is always bright but my heart is breaking for him. It is so hard to see people you love so much suffer. I feel helpless. While I was thinking about everything that has been going on I read this from the blog A Good Grief,
"C.S. Lewis put it well when he gave us the analogy of remodeling the human soul and a living house: ' Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of--throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.'"
This passage was so comforting. I have always known that our experiences give us important knowledge and insight but it is more difficult to keep in mind when you are in the middle of an ocean of waves beyond your control. So I read those words and took heart. I'm not sure how to end this post. I just wanted to let out some of the feelings I've been bottling up and I hope those words from C.S. Lewis can help someone else out their too.
8 comments:
I am so, so sorry Meredith. How terribly scary for all of you. We'll be praying for you and thinking about you. These trials hurt so, so much that sometimes I feel like I'll just break, but somehow we don't.
Sorry, lots of grammar issues in that last comment. :) I wanted to say that I really appreciated that quote a lot. Thank you for sharing. Your dad and family are in my prayers!
Meredith, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. It is so hard to see someone you love suffer when there is little to nothing you can do about it. I'll keep you and your dad in my prayers.
There isnt much i could say to make the pain go away- but know that we are ALL praying for you and love you guys so much.
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad Meredith. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have a family crisis like this and be so far away from home. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers too.
We had a cancer scare last year with my sister. Something having to do with her thyroid. She's doing just fine, but goes in for tests just to make sure every now and then. It was a scary time. I hope things improve for your dad. I loved the quote you shared. A palace! Wow.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer about 6 weeks before my baby was born. I've never been so scared. It's horrible to see parents go through things like this. And yet somehow, we make it through. I hope you're making it through.
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